Oh my God, Dice K is so Nice-K!
Daiske Matsuzaka is his real name. Don’t bother remembering it unless you’re set to face the Schwab in the future. As if everyone in baseball didn’t see it coming, from now on you will hear approximately 23902309309 word-plays on his current nickname, “Dice-K”. Dan Shaughnessy of The Boston Globe broke out “Ice K” (surely ripped from somewhere else) in his love letter about baseball’s hottest new thing, to go along with the following:

One game into Matsuzaka’s Red Sox career, it’s all good. So go out and buy that No. 18 jersey and have a bowl of Dice Kream and top it off with a Dice-K Tini at the Ritz-Carlton.

Oh, there’ll be plenty more where that came from! Whether or not he will be great for many years to come is yet to be determined, but BoSox Nation collectively touched themselves after yesterday’s great outing for the rook. He without a doubt looked wonderful in his first MLB start — 7 IP, 1 run allowed, 10 Ks — but crowning him the next “Pedro Martinez” after a single game’s work seems a bit premature. And he pitched against the Royals, of all teams.

Has he proved he is worth the millions the BoSox dished out? Not quite. But had I dished out that much for a player on my team, I’d overhype even his successful walk to the mound. Can’t wait for Americans to learn bits of Japanese and slowly realize what the word globalization really means… what a set-up!

Spurs Lure Suns Into Slow, Un-Interesting Loss
Most teams can hardly keep the Suns from scoring 37 in a quarter. Holding them to 37 first-half points should earn the Spurs a trophy. San Antonio held Phoenix to numerous season lows — 3-pointers (2 for 11), field-goals made (32), assists (14) and field-goal percentage (38.6%) –en route to a home victory last night. One thing other teams in the West should take from this game is that Phoenix is beatable, you just need to lull them to sleep playing a very boring, elaborate offense similar to the Spurs. Once the Suns start yawning, thus throwing off their shot accuracy, the game is ripe for the taking.

Agent Zero Out For Season, Wiz Fans… Rejoice?
When Caron Butler broke his hand and was set to miss what looked like the majority of the season, the team was finished. Gilbert Arenas is a stud, but without Butler, the Wiz would’ve been wading in the playoff waters until a true contender stepped in to devour the non-D playing squad from DC. With Arenas set to miss the season for sure thanks to a nasty meniscus tear, fans can now start to point fingers at the players who were going to ruin the Wiz’s championship hopes and dreams anyway. Case-in-point will be Antoine Jamison, whom loves to shoot and can point up good points from time to time, but for some reason always reads the alphabet like so: “A, B, C, E, F, G…” (One… two… three… ahhh! I get it… Thanks for comin’ out.) Here’s to hometown hoping that a quality player slips in the draft and the Wiz lose just enough games to get a quality spot to be there with open arms!

Donovan Stays, Juniors Go, Kentucky Looks to Plan Z
The story goes, Florida coach Billy Donovan asks the 4 juniors contemplating going to the draft — Joakim Noah, Al Horford, Corey Brewer and Taurean Green — if they want to try for a third-straight NCAA Championship. The players look at each other, then back at the coach and simultaneously cheer, “F-U, Coach D! We want to get paid as much as you’re about to!” Then they all hold hands and giggle off into the sunset and have yearly H-O-R-S-E games to laugh and joke about when they were happy and less-rich.

The quick breakdown: Billy Donovan will remain at Florida because they promised to pay the man more than Urban Meyer, in principle. The Fab-Four-Floridians will head off to the NBA and get paid generously but realize that college groupies are much more generous than pro groupies. Kentucky is now set to give their most un-wanted top-tier program over to Texas A&M Coach Billy Gillespie, just as CBS Sportsline’s Greg Doyel told them. Press conference this afternoon.

I Wonder If Tiger Woods Hustles On The Side?
1-Under 72, but only 4 strokes from the lead going into Friday, I’m thinking the clubhouse with Tiger would be, as the old people say, a “hoot”.

Tiger: Man… I’m really stinking up the joint out there. I just wish I hadn’t sprained my hand counting stacks of these extra hundreds I have laying here by my side…
Field: Hey… wow… that’s a lot of money.
Tiger: Oh, this? I hear that sometimes… it’s… it’s ok. Would you like an opportunity to have all of this?
Field: (laughs) Ha… wait, you serious?
Tiger: As serious as Phil’s gut. (looks to Phil) Ain’t that right, Philly Cheesesteak? Mr. Phil Up My Beer Cup. Mr. “Phil more space on the frontside of my tummy than J-Lo on the backside of her…”
Phil: #$&^ you, jerk. Put your money where your mouth is!
Tiger: Always talkin’ about putting stuff in his mouth… as long as we keep everything away from your mouth, there may be survivors.
Field: Well… how can we…
Tiger: Me against you and Sir “Phil-in’ Like Seconds, Maybe Thirds” match me dollar for dollar if I come back and squash all you suckas, but if not this is all yours…

And so begins the set-up to which Tiger makes millions on top of what he already makes legitimately… who’d dare bet against Tiger? Not those still within their RITE MIND…