One thing about me I don’t tell a lot of people is that I’m from the future. Yes, that’s right, the future. I know exactly what’s going to happen each and every day because to me it’s already history. When I tell people this fact they often ask if I ever use my powers for good or for evil. I do neither. I’m content with my role on this Earth and I’d rather not disturb the flow of things.

That being said, if you’re a basketball fan and you’re interested in the upcoming NBA season, here’s exactly what happens. Spoiler alert: I give away every team’s record as well as the major notes on what transpired for them in the 07-08 year. I know you’ll be inclined to use this info to gamble. I say do what you will, just don’t let it trace back to me.

So without further adieu, here is the season to come in the Eastern Conference. I’ll give you the results of the West soon. It’s a pretty great year all around. Enjoy!

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

Winner: Boston Celtics
Right now people sure are giddy and giggly over the Bean Town Big Three. And why not? It’s the Atlantic Division. Anything is possible! Attendance and jersey sales will be way up this year in Boston. Unfortunately, things will start out looking pretty rough with many more Ls on the sheet than Ws. One of the Big Three will also suffer an injury and miss 51 days of basketball. That person is Ray Allen, who will twist his left ankle at the 4:07 mark in the first quarter on Friday, December 14, versus the Milwaukee Bucks. Again, as I said before, I’m from the future. But after his return, and with everyone finally clicking, Boston will put together an impressive run, securing their spot at the top of the division.
Record: 46-36

#2 New Jersey Nets
Against all odds, Jason Kidd will have his best season ever, leading the league in both assists per game (12.2) and steals per game (3.1). He will start the All Star game for the final time and will finish second in MVP votes. The rest of Nets roster will play out as more of a soap opera than sports team. One of the year’s most memorable clips will be Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson’s shoving match at the conclusion of the second quarter, April 4 in Detroit. Jefferson will storm out of the arena and neither will play for the next five games. Ultimately, Kidd’s unwavering leadership will rally the team, squeezing them into the playoffs at the seven spot.
Record: 41-41

#3 Toronto Raptors
All the good that the Raptors had seemingly constructed last season will be erased with a mind-numbing 0-14 start to the season. Toronto won’t have a win on their record until they defeat Memphis 89-78 on November 28. In the final weeks of March, Chris Bosh will finally bring some signs of hope to the Raptors’ faithful, but by then it will be too little, too late.
Record: 38-44

#4 New York Knicks
The only thing keeping the Knicks from finishing in dead last this year will be the unprecedented horrendous season submitted by the 76ers. The lowest point will come on March 24 when the visiting fans of the New Jersey Nets will drown out the MSG faithful by singing “Born in the USA� to the delight of Bruce Springsteen seated in the front row.
Record: 30-52

#5 Philadelphia 76ers
There will be few explanations for the disaster that takes place this year in Philadelphia. Nothing, absolutely nothing, will go right for the 76ers. One need only watch their December 10 home game against the Houston Rockets to witness the collapse. After scoring a combined zero points in the second quarter, the Sixers will put up just 24 points total in the second half. Afterwards, a visibly shaken Kevin Ollie will vomit during the post-game press conference.
Record: 19-63

Central Division

Winner: Chicago Bulls
The Bulls will control the Central for the duration of the season, winning it behind the outstanding play of Ben Gordon and Andres Nocioni. The only frightening moment for the team will come on December 3 when rookie Joakim Noah will crack a rib and collapse to the floor after punching himself repeatedly in the chest in celebration of the team’s 98-97 win over Dallas. He’ll miss six games.
Record: 54-28

#2 Cleveland Cavaliers
Be sure to catch LeBron James’ 75-point performance on January 31 in Portland. Other than that, it’ll be a pretty typical Cavs’ season. They’ll be good, just not as good as you would have hoped.
Record: 45-37

#3 Indiana Pacers
Danny Granger will turn a number of heads this year by winning handedly the Most Improved Player award and playing in his first of two All Star games. Indiana will shine down the stretch and give its fans the kinds of thrills they haven’t seen since a certain number 31 was raining threes for them. The postseason won’t answer all the Pacer prayers out there, but the year will be enough to lift some sunken chins.
Record: 43-38

#4 Detroit Pistons
The Pistons’ slide from the dynasty throne hits full throttle in 07/08. After a hot start to the season, Detroit fans will be baffled in ways they could never imagine. Look for two separate eight game losing streaks, one in January, the other in March. Also, if you like to collect memorabilia, now’s the time to grab a Tayshaun Prince or a Richard Hamilton jersey—neither will wear Piston blue after this year.
Record: 31-51

#5 Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks’ mistake of drafting Yi Jianlian comes to fruition opening night at home against Chicago, when the rookie center brings down a defensive rebound, only to go right back up with it and dunk one home for the Bulls. He’ll even complain about being fouled before he realizes what’s happened. The next 81 games won’t look much better. Injuries will be the story in Milwaukee.
Record: 29-53

Southeast Division

Winner: Orlando Magic
The acquisition of Rashard Lewis will be completely overshadowed this year by the one-two punch of Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu. Howard’s 14.2 boards per night will be a league best and his mantle will have a new All Star Game MVP trophy to boast. The true surprise, though, will be Turkoglu. The forward will be an easy choice for the Eastern All Star squad, with his unreal three point percentage of 52% at the season’s half-way point. Dooling, Nelson, Arroyo and, oh yeah, Lewis won’t make it any easier for Magic opponents.
Record: 53-29

#2 Charlotte Bobcats
Yes, you are reading this right. Charlotte will be buzzing in 07/08 with a year full of firsts. The first Bobcat will play in an All Star Game (Emeka Okafur). The first Bobcat team will put together a winning season. And of course, the Bobcats will for the first time make it to the Playoffs—and I don’t mean for just one round. The spotlights will shine on Okafur, but everyone paying attention will see that the engine is being powered by Raymond Felton. Don’t miss his 20 assist performance on January 23 against Dallas. Fifteen will come in the third quarter alone.
Record: 46-36

#3 Washington Wizards
Gilbert Arenas’ numbers will mirror his performance from last year. Etan Thomas and DeShawn Stevenson will step up to play important roles for their team. But even with all of this, and a playoff appearance as an eight seed, the Wizards inability to finish down the stretch in a tougher Eastern Conference will be their ultimate downfall.
Record: 40-42

#4 Miami Heat
In his next to last season, the aging Shaq Diesel will finally start to look human against the league’s younger competition. Dwayne Wade will prove to be almost back to pre-surgery play. But it’s the rest of the Heat squad that will drag this ship down into the abyss of the East’s underbelly. No playoffs for two more years.
Record: 34-48

#5 Atlanta Hawks
You know how it goes.
Record: 29-53