Luck has never been readily available in my life. In fact, as it has been said many times, “if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have luck.” Fantasy football has been no exception to the rule. Instead it has been a cruel demonstration of how unlucky I am. Consider in 2007, four times a receiver scored 30+ fantasy points versus my squads. Fast forward to today and, one week into the season, I have already had three 30+ point performances posted against me. That’s only a small problem when your first and second round picks were Brady and Colston. Let me keep reaching for the cheese.

I began playing fantasy football in 2000 without knowledge of the phenomenon that was so soon to follow. Nearly every player I drafted fell into a land of obscurity. Eddie George displayed MVP numbers in 2000. After drafting George 3rd overall in the 2001 draft, he produced pedestrian numbers. Ricky Williams totaled over 2200 yards in 2002, but in 2003 (on my fantasy team), he produced 500 yards and 7 touchdowns beneath his 2002 totals. These are just a few of the numerous examples that led me to understand I was unintentionally destroying careers.

Destroying careers needed an accurate name. Fantasy Protection Program. If you are a #1 QB, RB, or WR and want to perform as a #4, join the squad. We’ll protect you from the pressures of performance. Provide you with names irrelevant to the fantasy world such as Heath Schuler, Tatum Bell (unless your fantasy league provides points for sprinting thru hallways with a former teammate’s bags), and Courtney Taylor (35 catches this season? Please comment). Many would consider this a curse, but in the business of fantasy football, I hold the kryptonite to Superman. I have the power to affect football seasons by simply stating a name.

Superheroes are completely useless until one can harness his powers. However, evil can spray powers in all directions without care or concern for others. Evil usually does not have the mental stability necessary for complete destruction. Lack of stability almost always leads to evil’s demise. With that said, if evil powers are harnessed can they be considered good? Depends on who you ask.

As the evil Patriots had established a dynasty I attempted to summon my “evil” powers, before the 07 football season, by drafting as many Patriots as possible. As I stated previously, my fantasy selections lead to the demise of careers. Even with powers centralized I was unable to land a single Patriot (there’s a fine line between attempting to destroy evil while winning a fantasy title). The Patriots then produced two of the greatest fantasy seasons in history. Let alone almost walking into Mercury Morris’ door. Coincidence? Not a chance.

Determined to not allow evil to ruin the ‘08 season, I fired cannonballs at the Patriots’ ship. Selecting 4th in the Bugfockers fantasy football draft, I was just outside the first tier of running backs. Tom Brady was not going to throw 95,045,832 passes without me joining the ride. “I’ll take Tom Brady.” Many thanks ensued as my powers have become very well known. Seven days later we all witnessed the first cause and effect of my selection. The attack on the Patriots ship was successful, but the counter-attack on the Fantasy Protection Program was just as deadly. One difference — the captain is no longer on the Patriots’ ship.

Left quarterback-less, the waiver wire decision-making process began. I desperately needed a running back to help boost production from my backs (mainly because I did not select a running back until round 6… I’m screwed). The Patriots’ Sammy Morris was the easy choice – to sink their ship and try to keep mine afloat. The quarterback options were, but not limited to: Pennington, Edwards, Jackson, and Cassel. Originally I was inclined to choose Pennington, but then, remembering an injured Drew Bledsoe birthing the career of Tom Brady, I changed course. Will Cassel’s situation be the same? Not if I can help it.

When you take out the captain you can’t leave mates to control the boat. You must sink the whole damn ship. If my fantasy ship sinks during battle, then so be it. Patriot’s fans get out your life vests – I’m already wearing mine.