One would hope that having a billion dollar empire, the protection of one’s ass(ets) would be a priority. But, of course, hindsight is 20-20, and now Sir Paul McCartney has officially learned the hard way.

Losing more pennies than Charles Barkley after a weekend in Vegas, McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills, officially gets $48.6 million per the divorce settlement officially ruled on today.

To marginalize the meaning of this marriage the way I know how — in sports terms — Mills ends up with a marriage contract worth the equivalent of $12 million a year. In local terms, she got as much as Miguel Tejada did with the Orioles up until they traded him to Houston this year.

All things considered — McCartney and Mills did have a 4-year-old together — pending further review into the numbers, Mills proved to be more productive for McCartney than Tejada for the O’s.

• Shaq loses a close one in his Phoenix Suns.
• Kidd loses in Dallas debut.
• Phillies’ Ryan Howard wins $10 mil in arbitration.
• Getting to know new Washington National outfielder Elijah Dukes.
• Gary Sheffield hates Scott Boras, too, calling him a “bad person.” Oh, snap! Boras, you gonna let him call you names?!
• Will Leitch’s God Save The Fan book tour hits D.C. tonight, at the Barnes & Noble in Georgetown. Support the sports blogosphere, folks!
• The New York Times printed a story where they say John McCain has a constant battle within on ethics; and he may have had an “inappropriate relationship” (read: affair) with lobbyist years ago.

What Eugene “Mercury” Morris is doing to himself on the television lately is pathetic. The only conclusion I can come to is that he has reached the M.C. Hammer of his career. Maybe his latest antics will secure him a spot on the next Surreal Life. Who knows?Morris was a two-time All-America tailback at West Texas A&M, made three Pro Bowls during his nine-year professional career and — the one stat he will never forget — he was a contributing member to the infamous Miami Dolphins team who went undefeated (17-0) in 1972.

Maybe he longs for the spotlight of television cameras. Maybe he is hard up for cash and found an opportunity to make a few extra dollars. Whatever the case may be, the fact is, he’s a grown ass ex-NFL player rapping on TV — sure, we have plenty of those so what’s new, right? — and out of his element.

Right now people are watching Morris gloat and rap and belittle those stinkin’ Pats to no end and thinking one of a few things:

1. “This must be how all those ‘72 Dolphins feel! Surely there’s a team rap out there somewhere!”
2. “I’d buy his CD!”
3. “Wow… let it go.”

Count me as one in category 3. Morris is embarrassing himself. He’s letting ESPN turn him into the network’s very own Flavor Flav — a black man with a short but famous career, placed in a spot where he can make money by acting a fool on television.

Consider it a job well done on the WWL’s part; they “flipped” Morris. More than likely they took advantage of his not-so-stellar post-NFL record and saw an opportunity to cash in on the big story of the defiant ‘72 Dolphins player openly and bitterly rooting against the ‘07 Patriots who seem all but ready to make Morris eat his claim that no one can repeat what they did.

His Wikipedia page has already been altered to make the “Mercury Morris Rap” a moment of his e-history –

On December 5, 2007, Morris went on ESPN’s Sportscenter and rapped about the 1972 Dolphins being the only team that will ever go undefeated in an NFL season. Morris was on ESPN with Josh Elliott in response to the New England Patriots undefeated record of 12-0, which, at the time, was 5 games short of matching the ‘72 Dolphins.

Everyone is going to point out that the ‘72 Dolphins didn’t have to play as many games as teams do now. And they will point to the contrast in passing yardage and points between those Dolphins and these Patriots and say the Pats are a far more dominant offense. But the amazing feat in ‘72 has not been repeated; the record has stood for the past 35 years and nobody has taken that away — yet.

All records are meant to be broken, though. By way of rule changes (See: 3-point line in NBA in contrast with historical scoring numbers), player enhancements (See: Every baseball slugging record in the past… hell, who can limit it to a decade anymore?) or by way of life in general.

What goes up, must come down. Records are set, spirits are lifted; Don Shula, Morris and the gang are happy and on a high. Eventually, that ends.

Even if the Patriots don’t do it this year, down the line someone will go undefeated. Maybe a hundred years from now — anyone want to guess how many more years the league will be around? — but the possibility isn’t zero. If the Patriots found a way to be dominant during this free agency era, surely another team will stumble upon a similar winning formula. (Side question/Pot shot: Would a surveillance camera be involved…?)

But I get it. Morris has every right to be defensive and root against the Patriots. It’s like an only child hearing their parents are trying to get pregnant again. Eventually he and his team will not be alone. They will have to share the spotlight and attention that comes with the record they hold. Fans may or may not love the ‘72 Dolphins the same again — a cold, hard fact of life.

But the last thing Morris needs to do is belittle himself for the WWL. His emotions are raw and feelings hurt. He feels disrespected and says so all over the network, including in his latest rap. But enough is enough.

Someone please yank the spotlight away from that man, fast. The last thing we need is a bitter old record-holder claiming there’ll never be another like him and trying to say his team is much better than the current dominant team in the league — especially if it’s in told in a rhyme.

Which brings to mind yet another scare… Lord, help us if he drops this album for real.

Now, I’ve seen this commercial before so I’m not actually 230923209 days behind. This is the first time I thought of it and found it on YouTube, so… enjoy.

In honor of the creepy holiday in which we teach children to pander from door to door, dressing as silly ghouls, goblins and witches for candy, we figured a nice creepy list would be fitting. Here are a few ideas which are scary to even ponder…

1. Placing Tony LaRussa in charge of any post-, pre- or during- game celebration party drinks. Needless to say, the same rule would apply for some of us in passing out candy to Halloween trick-or-treaters — “one for you, three for me…”
2. Allowing Isiah Thomas to run a feminist meeting of minds. Needless to say, many will be offended; not to mention how low we can assume the success rate would be when the word “trade” is involved, even if we are only talking about ideas.
3. Asking Rudy Guliani to lead a championship cheer. Sure, politicians and rockstars do this all the time: walk up to a podium, get the crowd hyped, and just as they’re about to say how much they love the city… they realize they have no clue where they are. And when the answer comes out, it’s sure to disappoint. (i.e. In New York, speaking praise of Boston… In Israel speaking praises of the Palestinians… In New England speaking praises of not running scores up… etc.)
4. Nominating Bill Belichick for any Sportsmanship/Ethics Committee. His wisdom of NFL traditions and rules will be valuable to the committees, sure, as will his in-depth “insider” information on how other leagues world-wide work, but his blatant disregard for every implemented rule and lack of mercy will surely harm the entire group.
5. Scott Boras teaming up with Microsoft as chief executive. Imagine how much basic keyboards would cost. You think Bill Gates knows how to take hold of the PC market? Imagine that market leverage with Boras’ amazing ability to milk every penny out of willing, desperate money holding consumers.
6. Lance Armstrong, Dorm Advisor. Lance, 36, was spotted messing around with one of the Olsen sisters, Ashley, 21. Hey, we all remember “you got it, dude!” There’s just something too creepy about the thought of…
7. David Stern, President of the United States. Remember when laws were passed that allowed harassing kids who wore their pants baggy? If you think Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were tough on any policy dissent, Stern would give them all a run for their money. Stern would be the most likely contender to break Bush’s record of “most countries pissed off in one term.” Think: Bonds chasing Aaron.
8. Tom Brady, OBGYN. Sorry, folks but you know what I mean… I’m too censored to continue. But he… gets his. (Ditto, Tony Romo)
9. Dan Snyder as Secretary of Treasury. Give this man the power over the country’s financial matters and we’d spare no expense at becoming the greatest country in the history of America. Also, we’d most likely search high and low for other countries’ most over-paid, underachievers — no matter their age.
10. Bud Selig, Tennis Line Judge. Can a tennis match end up in a tie? If players blatantly step on or over the line while serving, will he notice or look away?

I think March Madness is the best event in sports hands down.

I was born in Orlando, Florida. The Magic have been my team ever since I can remember.

I grew up drawing baseball stadiums on the living room floor while games played on TV. Even now I’ll sketch an original design every now and then.

I wonder why the organ is the soundtrack to baseball games.

There are two things in life I don’t understand. One is why DC residents still have taxation without full representation. The other is why college football still uses the BCS system to determine who plays for the title.

The two all-time greatest vocalists in popular music are Frank Sinatra and Sam Cooke.

I think if Facebook added an instant messanging system, AIM would be dead by the end of the week. Jobs would be lost. Lives changed.

I agree with the comedian who said the White House should be a homeless shelter.

I think the illegal immigation debate is 80% about racism.

I saw Shaq play his rookie year.

I shook Dwight Howard’s hand.

I think SEC football is the real deal.

My worst moment as a sports fan came my freshman year of college watching Drew Nicholas of the Maryland Terrapins nail a buzzer-beating three to eliminate my underdog UNC Wilmington Seahawks from the NCAA Tourney. I can still barely stand to watch the replay.

My best moment came three years later when I rushed the floor after our conference tournament.

I think in sports and relationships there will always be cheating.

I do not like the phrase “shoot me an e-mail.�

I am wary to vote straight down the ticket for candidates I know nothing about.

I can make you a mix cd full of bands you’ve never heard of better than anyone else you know.

I think the only time I can be ruthless is during a game of Monopoly.

My favorite ice cream is Ben and Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns.

I think gift cards are the perfect companion to a gift, but don’t suffice as a gift by themselves.

I think when a singer is making a political statement I can take them seriously if I’m bobbing my head or banging it, but not when I’m shaking my butt. This might change.

I think baseball has an excellent playoff schedule.

I’m not backing out yet on my prediction that Greg Oden will be a better pick than Kevin Durant.

I think Acie Law will turn out better than Mike Conley, Jr.

It’s hard to explain why, but Milwaukee is my favorite baseball team.

I’m objective when it comes to watching football. If I was forced to root for just one team I would go with the Carolina Panthers.

Pro cheerleader outfits are ridiculous now.

I’m good at Scrabble.

My favorite album is Illinois by Sufjan Stevens.

Overall, my mind is rite.

• Next time the Texas Rangers come to town, the Orioles would be best served cutting out the lights and hiding in the clubhouse. Or they could just stay home. Final score last night: Texas - 30, Baltimore - 3.
• Jemele Hill drops in at TheStartingFive to defend her latest article… scroll down to read the comments.
• Tom Brady offically has a baby mamma. Baby Mamma Drama sure to come!
• Wonder how Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is feeling about the Michael Vick situation? Well New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft explains from an owner’s perspective.
• Retired Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis talks about how he faked an injury in 2000 to avoid getting cut. After listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio today, this is a common accurance in the NFL. Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward disagrees with Bettis, saying his roster spot was never in jeopardy.
• WASHINGTON REDSKINS ROOKIE LARON LANDRY IS A BEAST!
• Team USA is back in exhibition action and the highlights and high scores begin here…

• Today is the 30th anniversary of the death of Elvis Pressley, the so-called King of Rock n’ Roll. My generation knows very little about Elvis, although we do know his clones tend to migrate out west to Las Vegas to perform. The “King” has also inspired a certain NBA player (Scott Pollard) to honor him often with an outrageous sideburn from time-to-time, and a certain NBA coach to use as much grease in his hair everyday, all-day.
• David Beckham started! Groupies rejoice! Noting that his ankle injury is only 78%, the LA Galaxy star scored a goal and dished out a lovely assist to Landon Donovan for his score. Dare I say it? The. Savior. Is. Here. Let’s keep importing the greats! 200 more and I swear the country will be hooked!
• Jets and 1-round pick Darrell Revis agree to a deal after a 20-day holdout, the longest in Jets history since young USC wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson held out for 24 days in 1996.
• Forgot to post this last week but here’s ESPN’s ombudsman throwing some shots at the network’s “Who’s Now?” popularity contest. She’s always on point, so keep up with her!

• Tiger Woods is the G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time” for the uninformed) Who would possibly argue otherwise? Despite advances to produce better golf clubs, balls and technologies in general, Tiger remains light years ahead of his immediate competitors. Let’s break out the cliche: his only real competition is himself.
• Bought your Madden ‘08 yet? Me neither. I’m stuck with the now outdated technology that is an XBOX (regular). Here’s a site with a compilation of reviews for the XBOX 360 version. Folks are happy, it seems.
• A peek in on the QB situation in Philly. McNabb plans on sitting out of tonight’s preseason opener versus Baltimore but possible successor Kevin Kolb looks to get some serious burn.
• Speaking of those Ravens, Troy Smith is battling for a roster spot. The last time Smith stepped on the field, his Heisman was mocked more than anyone since Danny Wuerffel played in the league. On the plus side, he’s battling for time with former UCLA star Drew Olsen, a QB without a Heismann on his mantle. What’s that you say? Eric Crouch? Wuerffel? Desmond Howard? Howard did have that one kickoff return for a TD with Green Bay…

• It will take a lot more David Beckham’s to get this country actively involved in soccer. At any rate, “Becks” came to the district, lured over 45,000 folks to pack into RFK Stadium despite the thick, sweltering summer heat, and played a mere 20 minutes. Even in the particular restaurant I dined in, the bar TV was fixated on the game. Wilbon gives us a recap because the only chance I’d recap is when Becks brings more “spice” to the game…
• Think the Falcons are down and out with constant disappointment Joey Harrington on the field? Think again. They have another mobile QB you may’ve heard of, D.J. Shockley, eyeing the chance to make his mark in the wake of Mike Vick’s absence.
• The Dallas Cowboys put in work against the Indianapolis Colts last night in both teams’ first preseason match-up. Indy needs to “throw some Ds on that b…” and in Dallas, Romo didn’t fumble a field goal snap, so… off-season mission complete!
• Cleveland Browns OLB Willie McGinest is out at least 6 weeks after back surgery.
• The Penny Hardaway/Shaq reunion is on! The Heat sign the former All-Star for the veteran’s minimum and offer him a shot at making the team. Not quite early-to-mid 90’s Anfernee but… let’s just root for a rehash of Lil’ Penny commercials because that’s what the fans really want.
• Ah… cheating at video games. Who didn’t do it? (Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, A, B, B, A… that ring a bell?)
• Found this link to all the sports pages across the U.S. so being the selfless person I am, I figured sharing is caring. Enjoy. (Although I endorse blogs at a higher rate these days… anyone have an equivalent to that list for sports blogs?)