Thank you, Commissioner Goodell, ye kind yet thunderously proud enforcer of player-rules and efficiency-centric leader.
You may have dropped the ball by open-palm slapping Patriots coach Bill Belichick after SpyGate, and you may tend to jump the gun on dropping the hammer on players before they’re prosecuted, but here, today, you’ve done the right thing.
Shortening the NFL Draft was a great decision and as a draft freak, I think I speak for those like me when I say the decision to make changes to the longest, most irrelevant-but-fun event of the NFL off-season (like there really is one anymore) should be applauded. Even for me, 6 hours and 8 minutes is too long. Besides, when you have a drinking game ongoing, 6 hours of drinking every time “upside,” “Mel’s hair,” or “Andre Ware,” is mentioned could make for a very difficult Day Two.
Among the NFL Draft changes:
- The draft will start at 3 p.m. EST instead of noon EST
- The first day will be shortened from 3 rounds to 2 rounds
- During the 1st day, time in between picks will drop to 10 minutes instead of the super-duper-ridiculously long 15 minutes
- During the 2nd day, time in between picks will drop to 7 minutes instead of the relatively-ok-before-but-amazingly-teams-dragged-even-this-out-forever 10 minutes.
I do believe you missed a few, so I will offer a few more just because I know you’re busy, what with hawking down players for parking violations and figuring out how to get those Spygate videos away from Jay Glazer –
- Have Mel Kiper and Todd McShay scheduled as the under-card to arm-wrestle to determine who gets the most Draft-Day face-time on ESPN (that is… if the NFL Network doesn’t steal the draft away from the WWL!).
Ditto for Keyshaun Johnson and Michael Irv… wait, guess this one worked itself out.
- Limit the number of family members allowed on stage for pictures depending on their draft pick ranking (ex. 1st through 5th picks allowed 20 family members; 6-15 allowed 15; 16-32 allowed 10; second round gets 7) as to bring the photo-op time down.
- In keeping with the idea of family pictures, allow for the section of the green room used to put Brady Quinn on ice last year for unlimited number of family photos. We know they won’t bother the “efficient” draft because, like Quinn to teams in the top-20, we will barely know they’re there.
- Require analysts to go around the table and admit to at least TWO faulty draft predictions. (Ditto goes for those at home!)
- Interview the fans! We need to have people on-camera and quoted when they’re booing McNabb for passing on Ricky Williams! Let the fans in on the bad predictions!
- In with bringing fan interaction, follow the AOL Fanhouse idea and check in on fan blog sites along with the coverage.
If you have additions or better suggestions, let me know. Obviously, the commish is willing to work with us when we want changes. (See: instant replays, Ed Hochuly’s guns‘ camera time, tuck rule…. ok, maybe not that… but you get the drift) I’m looking forward to the changes, as I will get to spend a few more moments not holed up in a room full of other self-proclaimed home-edition NFL Draft experts.
In finishing, we all know there are a few things that are sure to remain constant in the draft, no matter how more “streamlined and efficient” the process becomes:
- The Minnesota Vikings will forget they have a time-limit to pick and have to pick between 1 and 5 spots later than they were supposed to.
(*Addendum #1 to the aforementioned ideas section: allow the Vikings to pick in a Day 3, where they can pick using however long they want, just so long as they aren’t wasting viewers’ time.)
- Jon Jansen will be a lead analyst, no matter how unproductive or relevant he is to the Redskins during the prior season.
Mel Kiper’s hair will be discussed for a minimum of 10% of the broadcast, and all the bald persons on set will threaten to steal it during commercial breaks.
(*Addendum #2 to aforementioned ideas section: Mel and Todd should go head-to-head and put baldness on the line — whomever is the most off on picks after 3 years must shave their dome. Boomer keeps score and, yes, he does so using the weird voices, sounds and nicknames)
- Every mobile QB will be the next
Mike Vick Vince Young.
- Every undersized but record-setting QB will be the next best wide-out.
- Nobody will be compared to John Elway unless they play more than one sport for their college. And even then, everyone will nearly puke at the thought that if there is a God, he would never create another Him.